Break Up

Commonly Asked Questions and Answers

Famous Quote:

“The loss of the most important relationship of my life, was the price I paid for coming to know myself”-  Claire Bloom

Q.) I feel so lonely right now after this last break up, I just want to isolate myself

A.) After a break up you experience a loss, and just like in any loss you go through stages of grieving. Isolation is a result of the sad, depressed and angry feelings you are experiencing.  This too shall pass. When a situation of loss arises, the security as you have known it is shattered.It literally feels like the carpet has been pulled from underneath you. When you find a way to accept this uncertainty as a natural state of being, you will feel okay again.  But when you are in the middle of trauma and loss, you can find yourself on a roller coaster of emotions with many ups and downs. 

Since many people find relief from knowing the stages of loss by Dr. Kuebler-Ross, a renowned grief specialist, I summarize them here.

First you may go into denial, telling yourself “I don’t believe this.”

From there you may move angry thoughts and feelings. At this stage you tend to blame somebody for what you are experiencing.

In stage three you try to strike a bargain, maybe with God, “If you change this for me, I will never ask for anything again.”

Since this is a losing proposition, you become sad,” I’m too depressed to do anything.”

While moving through all these stages, sometimes in no particular order, you are on a bit of a roller coaster of tough feelings. But all these ups and downs level out when you move into stage five, “acceptance” and you are at peace with what happened".  Like many roller coasters the ride is tougher in the beginning, becoming less and less intense.

Even years after trauma, something may trigger your old emotions.  Trauma and loss are similar in that they make the person feel unsettled, the security is gone.  The frontal lobes of your brain are not functioning at their full capacity at the time of trauma.  Meditation is important since it helps access relaxed brain waves, and build healthier frontal lobes.  Positively Up’s loss series C.D.s  are an excellent way to practise meditation and to cope with stress during trauma.

Q.) After 25 years of marriage, I've found out my husband was having an affair, and he has since left.  How can I rebuild my life?

A.) No doubt this was the most important relationship in your life, and you feel devastated.  But this is a new opportunity to define yourself.  The Break Up cd/download can certainly help with getting you on a more positve wave-

length, which provides you with the energy to deal with how to rebuild your life. Finding a good counsellor who is solution focused and will give you some support if you are confused on some issues, may be a good idea as well.

Q.) We are breaking up after 15 years, my children are 8 and 13, I feel one is blaming herself, and the other is acting out.

A.) As you probably already did, reassuring them that it is not their fault is the first step. Make your children as comfortable as possible in both homes. Surround them with familiar things, photo's of all family members. Think of putting a sense of control back into your children's lives.  One way to do that is to allow them to make decisions whenever possible.

Resist the desire for revenge, find win-win solutions with your spouse, choose solutions that best meet the needs of your children.  Your children are a part of both of you.  Do something to renew your spirit.  Learn to ask for what you need and teach your children to do the same.  If the children see you are okay with it, they will be okay.

Q.) Every time I break up I feel so devastated that it puts me off dating altogether

A.) It's a good time right now to take care of yourself (see helpful hints)Next get out there again and do some networking, once you have found someone who meets your criteria (be selective) then you can start dating again. Dates are like buses, miss one, the next one comes along soon, when you get on, find a comfortable and secure position.

*Helpful hints: My favourite thing to do each day before going to bed is to remember three good things that happened that day. Even when you feel sad, good things do happen.

During intense emotions of insecurity you may want to hold off on any major decisions and pay extra attention to nurturing yourself.-    Listen to uplifting music. Classical music such as Mozart, Beethoven and Pachelbel Canon in general contain healing properties. Listen to your favourite personal theme songs that fill you with hope, serenity and inspiration.

• Pick out a pure essential oil that is most appealing to you, and enjoy the positive feeling it gives off in your home.
• Pleasant objects of art or flowers placed strategically where you will notice them can lift your spirits.
• Be good to yourself, treat yourself to a massage, take as many walks in the fresh air as you can, get proper amounts of sleep, and eat properly.
• Do things that give you nice feelings, perhaps just renting a favourite movie, dancing or attending cultural events.
• Love and appreciate yourself, focus on appreciative thoughts. Focus, also, on the gentle touch and kind deeds towards yourself and others. The more you tune into love everyday, the easier every day gets. 
• Listen to meditation tapes. The tapes enable your subconscious to be open to receiving loving spirit energy. You can then rid yourself of fear and stress. 
• It is very healing to express your feelings with others, so communicate with those you love.